Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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