Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
