Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
