We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
