I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
