I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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