We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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