I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
