i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
