Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Boobs speak an international language.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
