Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
