filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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