my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
