mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
