He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
