I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
