Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
