I cut my penus on the lid.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
