I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Randomize
