Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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