im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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