yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
