Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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