What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
