dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
