I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
