I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
