just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
