Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
