Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
