Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
