Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
