If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
