I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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