Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Randomize
