My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
