In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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