I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Randomize
