My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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