I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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