i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
