He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
