my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
