how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Randomize
