is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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