How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
