Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
