Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
