I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
are you so shy because you have an std?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
