There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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