If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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