someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
