I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
