Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
